The Ups & Downs of Tolerance

Me at General Assembly 2012

Those of you who know me know I am a Brony. For those of you who do NOT know what a Brony is, in short, it is an adult fan of the children’s show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Most of the adult fans are men, which is what spawned the portmanteau word “Brony” (Bro + Pony), however many adult female fans prefer to be called “Brony” as well as opposed to “Pegasister.” Most Bronies will ask a woman which she prefers upon meeting her.

As a Brony, I have collected a fair amount of Brony swag. I have about 5 different My Little Pony t-shirts that I wear fairly regularly. I will occasionally get some flack from some of my UU friends for wearing them, but not for the reasons you might expect. I have one shirt that has a picture of Twilight Sparkle on it with the text, “Love and Tolerate”. I purposely purchase this shirt to wear to General Assemble 2012 in Phoenix. I felt that love and tolerance were very UU and this slogan is what attracted me to the Bronies in the first place. While most people at GA thought it was cute or novel, I had a few tell me that “tolerate” wasn’t a good attitude to have.
Wait, what?

As UU’s were are supposed to have respect for the inherit worth and dignity for all people, by tolerating them, you aren’t really loving them. Tolerance is a feeling that is pretty close to ambivalence if you think about it. Would you rather be tolerated or loved? With that in mind, I put the shirt in the back of my closet and only brought it out when I knew I wouldn’t be out in public or around some of my more vocal UU friends.

I started to take the idea of loving everyone very seriously and when you keep love in the forefront of your mind you can create a lot of good things. People who I normally had some degree of difficulty with became much easier to deal with. When finding myself getting frustrated with them I would place myself in their position. I began to empathize easier and found myself communicating with them better. Love truly does conquer all.

Then last week, I heard about the problems in finding a place to bury the remains of Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Boston Marathon bomber.

I am a fortunate man. I have not had anyone taken from me in an untimely and violent way. I hope to never know the pain and suffering that comes with such a sudden and tragic loss. The people of Boston had their lives upended by a brutal and senseless act. I can understand their pain, even if I can’t fully feel it. For these people to put down their anger and lay their enemy to rest is something that is not going to happen overnight. I would hope that one day they are able to let go and forgive, but I wouldn’t expect it to be so soon after the tragedy.

So what do you do when you find yourself in a situation where you are unable to love an individual? When the very thought of them makes your blood boil and your fists clench? The best thing to do when you cannot love is do everything you can to not hate as well, in other words, tolerance. Think of tolerance as the first aid kit of emotional trauma. When you are wounded and your emotional response is pain and hatred and love is beyond your threshold, apply tolerance like a cold compress. It will help the swell of negative emotions go down and allow you some time to go and see a spiritual doctor. Tolerance is not a cure, but it is an important tool.

I brought out my “Love and Tolerate” shirt recently. It’s time to remember that tolerance, while not an end in itself, is an important step in the path to love.

Plus, Twilight Sparkle!

It’s Not Easy Being Blue

My daughter and Butterscotch

My daughter has had a corn snake for about two months and recently he started showing signs of shedding; his coloration become muted, (what they call “blue” in herpetology circles) his eyes clouded over a bit and he wasn’t eating. These are all normal signs of an eminent shed and we had seen it before when he had his first shed a month previously. That shed only took about four days, but after a week, Butterscotch was still blue.

I can only imagine how it must have felt for him, being kept in an almost skin tight, slightly dry unitard. I image it would chafe. A snakes eyelids are part of their skin, their eyesight becomes cloudy when they are blue. Imagine wearing a pair of glasses that had really thick finger smudges that you couldn’t clean off. They stop eating so their bodies won’t widen, making shedding more difficult. So when a snake is blue, they can’t see well, they’re hungry and they have a constant uncomfortable itch.

For some reason, they don’t recommend that you handle a snake while it is going through a shed.

Butterscotch stayed blue for two weeks and I keep asking him, “Why won’t you give it up? Just lose the skin already” Did he have some fond memories of that particular skin? Did it have his “lucky scale” on it? While his first shed only took four days, it was a little messy, with the skin coming off in pieces. Was that experience making him reluctant to shed again? Was he worried that he just wouldn’t be able to do it right? Did we have an anxious snake?

Butterscotch on a toy plane. Insert obligatory Samuel L Jackson quote

There is only one way I can think of to avoid shedding: hibernation. A snake in hibernation can go without eating for about a year. They shut down their digestive system and reduce their metabolism to a slow crawl (or slither). If he really wants to avoid the discomfort of shedding, that is his only option.

Butterscotch and I both know it isn’t worth it, that shedding is a sign of growth and vitality. It’s not comfortable or quick but it needs to be done.

One morning my daughter bounds into my bedroom like it was Christmas morning exclaiming, “Butterscotch shed!” In her hand is one long, translucent and intact snake skin. It is the perfect shed. “I checked his cage this morning and there were wood shavings all over his water dish! He must have crawled in there to soak to help get the skin off!” We go check on Butterscotch and he is absolutely stunning! His color is bright, his eyes clear and keen and when we offer him food he takes it eagerly. He is perfect.

This is Willow at two years old at the Smithsonian Zoo. We let her pick a toy out at the gift shop and out of all the cute and cuddly stuffed animals, this is the one she picked.
We should have named her Eve.

When we think of change, we often think about our “blue period” where we will be itchy and our vision will be clouded. We may think that hibernation is a better option than change, to just sit still and let everything grow around us. We cannot grow without changing in some way, and we are always growing. Like Butterscotch, change can be difficult to adapt to, but without it, our colors will always be a little gray.

A Paws Before Starting The Day

This is the butt head in question

Why is it that when I need some quiet time, the cat needs attention? I am trying to have a nice quiet moment to myself, trying to mute all the noise in my head and attempt to center myself. Set the path for the day.

And here comes the orange, furry butt.

I’ve heard people say animals have sixth sense. Some how they know when an earthquake is coming and seconds before it hits they run and hide. I heard of a dog that could sense when her owner was about to have a seizure and was trained to bring him a shot of medicine or something. In any case, if animals supposedly have this uncanny sense, why doesn’t my cat know when I want to be left alone? That I need to find a little peace?

The little menace jumps in my lap, meows belligerently at me and begins sauntering his way to my face. He looks me in the eye as he kneeds my chest, purring. Then he chirps and head butts me. He turns around, trying to find a place to lie down on my chest, heedless of the open book in front of me. That can wait, if you ask him.

I’ve also heard that they sometimes bring pets into hospitals and nursing homes now. Supposedly, they offer some benefit to the sick and ignored. I’ve also heard that pet owners live longer than those who don’t have their quiet time interrupted by a needy little fur ball. Something about a soothing presence of something that returns your affection being good therapy, they even call those pets they take to hospitals “Therapy pets”.

If anyone needs therapy, it’s my cat. Apparently he has butt issues because he keeps sticking his in my face. Alright you orange Klingon, you win. I put down the book, scoop him up under his flabby tummy and scrunch the spot between his left ear and eye. His purr sounds is a thousand heart beats sounding at once, his warmth on my chest is a down comforter on a winters morning.

On second thought, I don’t need to read. I can pet a cat for a bit and find some peace and beauty in that.

And at that moment, he decides its time to go.

By Any Other Name

Jimmy Swaggart! Lets not forget about his contribution to Christianity’s reputation.

As Unitarian Universalists, we welcome people from all faith traditions, but I can’t help but feel, as a Christian, that I am free to believe in Jesus, as long as I keep my mouth shut.

I understand why a lot of UU’s don’t want to hear about Christianity, it’s everywhere! In our schools, in our politics, even on our money! While the Christians have done a really good job getting their name out, they need to work on their message. Remember Pat Robertson blaming Katrina on homosexuality? How about Jimmy and Tammy Faye Baker from the 80’s? Let’s not forget the Westboro Baptist church! When you say “Christian” these are the images that come to mind first, not Jesus or Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The Christians have become like the circus, there are a lot of really talented acts, but everyone talks about the clowns.

The problem is those claiming to be Christians the loudest, tend to live it the least. They often say, “As a Christian, I believe that…” which is like saying, “I don’t mean to sound racist, but…” They are about to saying something that is “Unchristian,” twisting scripture to further their personal agenda or delivering a message that boils down to, “we are right, you are wrong” with no room for arguing.

THIS is why people have issues with many Christians, there is no room for discussion. When asked a difficult question, an adamant believer is likely to respond with “That is the way it is” instead of “I don’t know, can I think about it?” and exploring difficult questions within their faith. By avoiding these questions, they instill a sense of distrust between the faith and the faithful, just like when a politician dodges a question in a debate. Sure, politicians do it, but do you trust them?!

Click the image and listen to the song.

So when I say I’m Christian, many of my fellow UU’s think of the pig-headed zealots and look at me like I’m crazy for still believing that garbage. The problem is, I was never taught that garbage.

In high school my favorite band was XTC. In the 80’s they had a pop hit called, “Dear God” which contained all of the standard atheist rants: How can a loving God allow the innocent to suffer? If you love us, why is there a Hell? Stuff like that. I brought a copy of the song to my Sunday School teacher and asked if we could discuss it in class. She said yes and we had a great discussion about faith and suffering and more than once I heard, “I don’t know” from her. When I confided in her later that I didn’t think she would be brave enough to play that song for the class, she replied “An unexamined faith is not worth having.” I wouldn’t know until a few years later that she was paraphrasing Socrates, but that statement resonated with me and made my faith stronger. That was the atmosphere I grew up in. I was encouraged to explore my faith, coming to the conclusion that the teachings of Jesus were more important than the name. I saw the Old Testament in a historical context is some parts and metaphorical in others. It was a story of how the Jews struggled to overcome adversity and gain their freedom and the New Testament let them know not to become what they fought against.

When I hear “Christian”, I hear that someone values the compassionate teachings of Christ and I bet that most UU’s would agree with those teachings. The problem is that the name associated with them has a bad reputation. If you were to take these teachings (love your neighbor as yourself, turn the other cheek, compassion for all) and present them without the name of the teacher (a blind taste-test as it were), I am positive that even the most anti-Christian UU would agree with them. That’s right, 4 out of 5 atheists prefer Jesus.

“Christian” isn’t the only word that tests poorly for UU’s, words like “Holy,” “Prayer,” “Evangelism,” and “Salvation” are generally met with a lot of cringing. Even “god” with a lower case “g” tends to make the old school Humanists flinch. But these are religious terms and Unitarian Universalism IS a religion, how are we supposed to grow spiritually without the vocabulary? We’ve done a pretty good job exchanging “pray” for “meditate” or “moment of reflection”. “God” used to be “higher power” but that has morphed into terms like “Spirit Of Life” “Great Mystery” or my personal favorite “the Ultimate”. “Holy” has been replaced with “sacred” or “divine” and to be honest, I find these to be suitable replacements, but the terms “salvation” and “evangelism” still haven’t been translated and I think I know why.

Oprah as God. It’s not inconceivable.

Salvation conjures up images of heaven, a concept that many UU’s have dropped, despite our Universalist heritage. For those new to the faith, Universalism was a liberal protestant denomination that believed salvation (going to heaven) was universal. God was like Oprah, “You get to Heaven! You get to Heaven! EVERYBODY GETS TO HEAVEN!” I love the idea of this Oprah-God, after all if She really loves us, and we cannot earn our way into heaven through good works, how does she determine who gets in and who doesn’t? She doesn’t! We all got in, all we had to do was want to go. Through the years, Universalism became less concerned with life after death and more concerned with life on Earth. After all if we are all going to heaven, we’d better learn how to get along on Earth since we’ll be spending eternity together. Universal salvation became about creating a Heaven on earth. If we are able to do that, we have achieved salvation, but instead of individual salvation, it’s the salvation of the whole human race! So in that context, I can get behind the term “salvation.”

But what about “evangelism”?

When you hear “Evangelist” and you think of charismatic preachers on television Sunday morning, in their expensive suits, shouting into the microphone while sweat and tears stream down his face. Demanding that you not only become saved, but that you buy the “I’m Saved” t-shirt for $24.95 (plus shipping and handling). The word “evangelism” has a lot to overcome, but I want you to think about it just a little differently. What if that guy who was trying to get you to believe what he believes was a UU minister? What if instead of a sweaty white man yelling that you were damaged good and going to Hell, it was a black woman with rainbow dreadlocks telling you that she loves you for the person that you are? Shouting with joy that we need to respect and love every person in this world, black, white, gay, straight, liberal conservative, Muslim, Christian, no exceptions! Asking for donations for standingonthesideoflove.org and their mission trip to Montana to help a high school dealing with GLBT teen suicides. Would you like to see that? I sure as Hell would! I want every single person to know about this faith and that there is room for them right here and now! That we have indeed been waiting for them. Do you know what that feeling is called? The feeling that you want to share your faith with others? That you want them to feel the same love and joy that you do? “Evangelism.” Not so bad if you really think about it, we’re just used to it coming from some unsavory characters.

We all have a past. All of us have things in our past that hurt when we are reminded of them and words are great reminders. The challenge is to let go of what we were taught so many years ago and to rethink, to question what those words really mean and to find the good within their meaning. There is some real joy in salvation, even if it doesn’t involve heaven. Being an evangelist is more about pride than brow-beating and prayer is your connection to your spirituality, whether that spirituality is based in western or eastern tradition. Keep examining those words that give you pause.

The unexamined word is not worth hating.

Red Cape Not Required

This is a guy who looks really uncomfortable being in the spotlight. I’m betting he’d rather be holding a small mass or counselling some congregants.
In other words, he’s perfect for the job.

It’s been an interesting week in the world of religion. As many of you know, there was white smoke coming from the Sistine Chapel on Wednesday, signaling the election of a new pope. While this was great news for the Catholics, we Unitarian Universalists had some great news this week. The board of trustees decided to move their headquarters from Beacon Hill in Boston, to Boston’s Innovation District. While I personally have never been to Boston, I have a friend there who assures me that, as the name suggests, the innovation district is in a newer, hipper part of Boston.

See the connection?

Pope Francis is the first Jesuit pope. The Jesuits are a religious order within the Catholic church known for their work in education, social justice and are just a little more progressive than the rest of the Catholic Church. While Pope Francis has shown little interest in changing the church position on GLBT rights, reproductive health or women’s role within their church, he has already shown that things are not going to be business as usual. When the head of papal ceremonies upon Francis’ ordination, offered him the red cape that signifies his office, Francis told him “You put it on instead. Carnival time is over!” He refused the new gold cross that was offered to him, preferring to keep the one he had and even carried his own bags upon checking out of his hotel room! In an office rife with privilege, he has been refusing special treatment, staying true to his humble beliefs while holding one of the most influential positions in the world.

25 Beacon Hill

Like I said before, I have never been to Boston and I know nothing about Beacon Hill, but Wikipedia calls it one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Boston, and Boston isn’t cheap to begin with. I have heard through the grape vine that the building that housed UUA headquarters was not only ill-suited to the demands of a growing church but needed quite a bit just to maintain it. So if the building was expensive, inefficient and insufficient, why consider keeping it? Status. Kennedy lived in Beacon Hill, the state house is there and in the sixties, the neighborhood was named an historical landmark. Having a building in Beacon Hill lent credibility to the Unitarian Universalist church.  It gave a theology that is considered by many to be “a non-religion” a sense of history, foundation, and weight.

One of the problems I have with some organized religions is that they rely too much on the trappings of their status. There is a great line from a song by the 80’s pop band XTC:

Peter Pumpkinhead came to town
Spreading wisdom and cash around
Fed the starving and housed the poor
Showed the vatican what gold’s for

Many time I heard this sentiment from friends when talking about the church. “Why do they have all that fancy stuff in the front? If they really wanted to help out people, they would sell that and use the money to help those in need!” It’s really hard to come back with, “It lends the religion a sense of dignity” when a miter looks an awful lot like a dunce cap. I understand that a lot of these items are the trappings of their history, but it means little if you aren’t doing anything NOW. Reputations change with your actions, as Lance Armstrong will gladly tell you, you need to maintain your beliefs through your actions.

The Catholic Church made a bold move with Francis. He is someone who will very likely remind his followers that the church is there to help those who need it most. The UUA took that same bold move, choosing action over reputation. The money the UUA will save by not having to upkeep a historical land mark will be nothing compared to the money they’ll make by selling 25 Beacon Street. Money that can be used to help smaller congregations grow, help marginalized citizens fight for their rights, help spread the word that there is a place for those who are seeking a spiritual home.

Carnival time is over. Let’s get to work.

Borders, redux

I apologize for the lack of content of late. I have been quite busy with applications, evening adult education classes at church, chasing kids and lastly, planning a service with my fellow Meadville-Lombard visitors. Rev. Pupke asked us to do a service based on the theme of January’s convocation, “Borders.” I know I wrote about it in the last post on this blog, but I thought I would share the piece I wrote with you anyway. My fellow associates shared much more personal stories and did a wonderful job provoking the congregation.

I have a few other piece on the back burner right now and hopefully either things will calm down and I’ll get to them or I’ll find a good rhythm in my day and get them cranked out. Thanks for your patience. Blessed be.

 

I had the honor of attending convocation at Meadville-Lombard this January, where the topic was “Borders.” If you’re like me, your first thought is probably immigration related. Glad to see that you are concerned about undocumented citizens, but those aren’t the borders that were being discussed. The borders in question are the ones that we put up around ourselves. The ones that prevent us from becoming truly diverse. The ones that we have no idea how to take down.

Now I thought, as a faith that takes pride in countering convention and welcoming everyone, how on Earth could we have borders? Seriously! Have you seen us? Humanists! Pagans! Buddhists! My goodness, even Christians! Every month we stand on the corner in bold yellow t-shirts letting rush hour traffic know how much we stand on the side of love! We are enlightened to the plight of minorities and want to help them fight the man. We want to change the world!

But where does change begin? I invite you to get a good look at your fellow congregants. Do we look truly diverse? While we are genuinely concerned with the problems of this countries marginalized citizens, we have to remember that wanting to help “them” isn’t enough, we have to start thinking of “them” as “us.” We are all in this world together, so we need to challenge our way of thinking about “them”, which is so much easier said than done. It’s something that I feel we all struggle with everyday either as a placer or crosser of borders, I know I struggle with it. If you’ll indulge me for a few minutes, I’ll tell you about one of my crossing moments.

I’ve always enjoyed being a little left of center. I was a theatre major in college and on a campus that looked like a J. Crew catalog, I enjoyed being a part of the Bohemian counterculture. When I wasn’t in a show, I was in the booth, running sound or lights. My senior year our tiny little theatre department put on a production of The Marriage Of Figaro, not as a musical, but as an opera. No dialogue. All singing. This was huge! The director worked closely with the choir director. They had a live (reduced in size) orchestra and by the time opening night came around they had an awesome show. So good in fact that it was made mandatory for the freshmen that year.

This is the choir director, affectionately known as “Chief”

Now, live theatre is NOT everyone’s cup of tea, so when you make it mandatory you are going to have some people who find ways to voice their dissent. One particular night there was a large section of football players in the house who were hooting and chanting and rabble rousing before the curtain went up. It was so bad that the normally mind mannered choir director stopped the orchestra during the prelude to dress down the audience. I was in the booth at the time and couldn’t believe my eyes. I had never seen him so mad.

It was the big topic at the scene shop the next day. “Can you believe those freshmen?!” “It was appalling!” “How disrespectful!” Not being one able to pass up a chance to bad mouth a bunch of jocks, I was only too happy to join in. “Stupid football players! They have no respect to all the hard work that has been put into this show.”

Sitting in the corner, was the set designer. An openly gay faculty member who had no interest in sports. He looks at me and calls, “Hey Walt, have you ever been to a football game?” “No.” I snorted, “Why would I?” He looks and me and wipes the smile off his face, “Then shut the ___ up.” I was stunned. He’s supposed to be on my side in this. “Walt, if you haven’t taken the time to go to a single football game in the four years you’ve been here. If you haven’t given them any respect for what they do, then you have no right to complain. Shut. Up.”

I never thought of it like that. I was an art guy. I was enlightened. All through high-school I was an art-guy outcast, Jocks were supposed to hate me, right? But not once did I ever reach out to them, why would I? They have their group. They are happy with their own kind and I’m happy with my own kind, right? I never thought that their perspective and my perspective could co-exist. There was a border that was separating me from them, but I had never thought that I was the one guarding it.

When Wendy and I first moved to Richmond, we would go to dinner parties her co-workers hosted. The women would gather in the kitchen and talk about movies, food, books, all the things that I liked. I would try to join in but they would kick me out of the kitchen as politely as possible and shoo me in with the husbands, who were all in the television room talking about was football. At that time, I knew nothing about football and announcing that I was into theatre would usually get me some awkward looks, that wasn’t their thing. They had their group and were happy with their own kind. I realized I could do one of two things, I could lament the fact that they showed no interest in the things that I liked, or I could take an active interest in their world, in their community and see what their world was like. I could put aside my notions that I was above such things and give it an honest shot.

We all have borders that we have no idea at all that we are guarding. They can be really hard to spot. Some clues I’ve noticed for myself; If I think that a certain group is happy with their own kind, that’s a sign I’m guarding a border. When I think of myself as more enlightened, smarter, better, that’s a sign I’m guarding a border. Every time I call out an entire group of people as wrong, that’s a sign that I’m guarding a border. When I’m content to let “them” stay apart from “us,” that is a sign I’m guarding a border. Then I ask myself, am I really doing everything I can to give that person the respect and worth that I would want? Am I making an effort to really understand their world and the path that they have taken that has lead them to this point? Or am I automatically discounting them because I believe they have already discounted me. Have I given up on them without even trying? Am I giving them the respect and dignity that they deserve?

Or can I do better?

They Will Know We Are.

Here’s a good example of one of his posts.

A friend of mine on Facebook likes to post articles about Conservative Christians. Articles like, “Baptist minister refuses to allow child of same sex couple into day-care program” or “Presbyterian hospital refuses to admit lesbian woman bleeding profusely from both ears”. Instances where someone is doing some pretty obvious gay bashing in the name of Jesus. Every time he posts one of these articles, he puts in the header, “You will know we are Christian by our love, by our love” and it pisses me off to no end.

A few times, I’ve tried responding with, “That’s not all Christians!” or “These guys are crazy, you can’t hold all Christians accountable for their actions!” to which he smartly replies, “If these guys aren’t the mainstream, then YOU need to shut them up. Don’t just wave it off as a few crazy people. These crazy are representing YOU.”

Goddammit if he isn’t right.

You know that Edmund Burke quote? The one that gets played when minorities are being oppressed? “All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” A lot of Christians are really good at doing nothing when it comes to the trickier choices. Sure, we all want to feed the homeless and help under-privileged kids, but confronting people who are supposed to be on our side? That’s hard! Telling a friend that you disagree with them is tough. Is your position going to jeopardize your friendship? Are you really going to change their mind? Is what’s offending you really THAT important? For those of us who are straight, fighting about gay rights can seem a little pointless.

James Joseph Reeb

Do you know who James Joseph Reeb is? If you don’t I, recommend a little reading. He wanted to work in a racially diverse congregation as not only a minister, but as a community activist and counselor, in the 1960′s. This scrawny little white kid with a ton of schooling, wanted to live with people that many saw as less than human. He lived among them, prayed with them and died fighting their fight. Why on earth would anyone put themselves in such a perilous place at such a perilous time?

Because whatever you do to the least of my brothers, you do to me.

If you want to live like a Christian, you have to take care of those in need. You have to speak up for them when they are silenced and stand up for them when they are beaten down. Use the advantages that you have been granted to help those whose advantages never existed or were taken away. Action may speak louder than words, but good actions need to speak louder than bad ones. Complacency is silence and this silence needs to be broken. I have a few suggestions:

1. Find GLBT activist groups in your area. Join them for social justice actions, petition signings and other awareness measures. Google is your friend.

2. Talk to your minister/reverend. If you are in a GLBT friendly church ask them if they would be interested in supporting any sort of social justice work. Something visible, most people think all churches are anti-gay, but if more congregations support GLBT rights, it becomes less of a religious issue and more of a discriminatory one.

You know, with that nice yellow shirt, I wonder if he’s part of StandingOnTheSideOfLove.com?

3. Speak up! If you have friends who are using derogatory GLBT language, let them know that you do not approve. Be polite, but let your feelings be known.

4. Congress. Write your representative. Tell him you support marriage equality if you live in one of the MANY states that doesn’t.

Don’t let the narrow-minded few drown out our voices. Be heard.